Ode To Iowa Corn

Oh, how I long for,

your honey and cream.

With every bite,

I want to scream.

Please just boil it,

in very hot water.

Followed by a slathering

of rich, creamy butter.

With a little bit of salt,

the taste is like no other.

No mayonnaise or chile,

will touch one kernel.

Or all miscreants shall face the wrath,

of the damned infernal.

And to the south of the border,

should you ever go.

Don't drink the water,

or eat the corn of Mexico.

Don't Mess With Fred

Recently I wrote about a boy named Jamie that I beat up when I was about 6 years old.  I wouldn't try messing with his old man.  My aunt, who still lives in Swisher, told me that someone tried to rob the grocery store that Fred, about 80 years of age, has owned and operated since before my memory begins. This is the same grocery store where my grandma would send me with a dollar to buy a pack of cigarettes.  Oh, boy, am I dating myself now. A pack of cigarettes under a $1 bought by a kid?  Well, back then if I tried to smoke one, the neighborhood alarm system would have gone off (aka a telephone call to grandma by anyone who might have seen me) and I would have been busted. Anyway, my aunt said the would-be robber drove up in a truck, filled a bag of groceries, and then held up a sign that basically said "Give me all your money". That's when the ballsy Fred told him no because he worked too hard for his money. The robber then said he would kill Fred.

What would you do?  Me, the chicken-shit, would probably hand over the entire cash register and my purse too and tell the robber to have a nice day. But not Fred. Fred went after the robber who, by all guesstimates, is about 60 years younger, and pushed him out the door with his fist. It didn't do Fred's fist much good because it is all swollen up, but the guy ran and took off in his truck. And Fred got his plates too.

Here's a look at the Facebook page of the robber Austin Lee Strub http://www.facebook.com/austin.strub
(He is not from Belfast and most of his friends are from Cedar Rapids)

So what did we learn from this?  #1 - If you are going to rob a small town grocery store, don't use your own truck. #2 - If you are going to rob a small town grocery store, drive on by Swisher. The owner of the store is  too tough to mess with.

And Jesus Wept

Then Jesus took his disciples up the mountain and gathering them around him he taught:

   "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
    Blessed are the meek.
    Blessed are they that mourn.
    Blessed are the merciful.
    Blessed are they who thirst for justice.
    Blessed are you when persecuted.
    Blessed are you when you suffer.
    Be glad and rejoice for your reward is great in heaven."

Then Simon Peter said...
   "Do we have to write this down?"

And Andrew said...
   "Are we supposed to know this?"

And James said...
   "Will we have this on a test?"

And Phillip said...
   "I don't have any paper."

And Bartholomew said...
   "Do we have to turn this in?"

And John said...
   "The other disciples didn't have to learn this."

And Matthew said...
   "Can I go to the bathroom?"

And Judas said...
   "What does this have to do with real life?"

Then one of the Pharisees who was present asked to see Jesus's lesson plans and proceeded to inquire of Jesus...
   "Where is your anticipatory set and your behavioral objectives in the cognitive domain and what allowances have you made for intervention?"

And Jesus wept.


Rita's disclaimer: I did not write this. I found it today in my files of teaching stuff.  Anyone who has ever taught will appreciate this.  

OPD Is A Very Serious Disorder

OPD.  Never heard of it?  I assure you it is very real, very serious, and there isn't a medicine or therapy known to man to counteract its effects.  Some of the symptoms include twisting the truth, downright lying, sniping at waitresses, clerks in stores, any and all family members, name calling, manic cleaning sprees while berating everyone within and not within ear reach, invasion of privacy, opening doors without knocking, unlocking doors  and entering private bedrooms or bathrooms whether you are or not are doing your 3 S's (sleeping, showering, shitting), being the ultimate control freak, center of attention, having total disregard of opinions or feelings of others because theirs is the only one that matters.

What can you do if you know someone like this?  I wish I could tell you that ignoring it will make them go away.  It only makes the person with Obnoxious Personality Disorder determined to be more of a PIB (Pain In The Butt, another psychological disorder).  Sorry.  I wish I had better news for you.  And for me.

How To Conjugate BONER, Er, I Mean PONER

Class, I am your substitute teacher, Sister Mary Elephant. Your assignment today is to conjugate PONER, the verb that means to put, on the whiteboard.

Young man, I realize that it is such a small difference between a 'p' and a 'b', but I don't know what BONER means. What's that?  You want to explain to me what is a BONER?  Now, wait a sec, class, this is a Catholic school.

Class. Class. Class. SHUT UP!  Thank you.

And for those of you who are too young to know or had your head under a rock during the 70's, here's a link to the original Sister Mary Elephant audio skit by the duo Cheech & Chong.

Hey Kids, Don't Try This At Home

Although I never tried riding a rocket, I did poke Joe Melsha in the eyes Three Stooges style. Joe was my best friend. We met when we were this many years old (this is where we held up 3 fingers).  As Joe grew up everyone knew that if you wanted to get anywhere fast, let Joe drive. Unfortunately Joe would never grow old. He died about 10 years ago from what was a complication from a surgery that was necessitated from going too fast. When we were kids we ran with a pack of other kids all over the mean streets of Swisher, Iowa.  Parents and grandparents let us out the door in the morning and we ran freely all over this huge metropolis of about 500. The noon whistle meant time to go home and check in to make sure we were still alive and eat lunch.  Not that we could really get away with anything. Everyone knew everybody and everything they did. And if a kid got in trouble, parents (or in my case it was grandparents) knew about it before the kid did.  Like the time I beat up a boy named Jaime. His mom called my grandma and ratted me out. Grandma straight out asked me if I had been in a fight and I answered without hesitation "Yeah, I was."  Of course, that prompted the question as to why I felt the need to beat the crap out of Jamie. "Cuz he asked me to pull down my pants, Grandma."  Her response?  "Oh, my."  And that was all and the end of this story.

The Male, Female, Dog, and Cat Brain Explained

I found this in my old files from back in the day when I was a computer guru at a large Fortune 500 company.   I'd say nothing has changed in the last 15 years. Especially the cat brain.