Sunday, May 19, 2013

Online Dating

One of my Facebook friends pasted a link to online dating site profile called IWontMurderYou.  I couldn't resist. Basically this guy's premise is if you go out with him, he won't murder you. He justifies it by saying he's never murdered anyone in the past and will not do so in the future. I especially like his favorite movie Silence of the Lambs that he only likes ironically.  I bet he gets a lot of willing women. I'm tempted to contact him just to find out what is his success rate.

I started nosing around to see what other dating sites are out there without paying a subscription fee and came across DateHookUp and Badoo.  In the interest of not wanting to further publicly humiliate some of the guys (they've already done a good job themselves), I won't post links to the winners I found.  Here is my list of what you should NOT do with your profile:

1. Shirtless.  Not too many guys can pull their shirt off and look good. And if you do look good, then you might come across as a cocky asshole who knows it. 
2. Stupid profile names like HotSexyStallion or anything with the number 69.  You will have a lot to live up to and my bet is 9 times out of 10 the women are disappointed and that is why you have resorted to online dating. Stupid names like that make you look desperate.
3. Shots of the crotch even with clothes. We are not interested in photos. It's how you use it. 
4. Photo of you shaving. Really?  No more explanation needed. Next
5. Photo of you standing in bathroom with one foot on top of the bathtub. No more explanation needed. At least it wasn't the toilet. 
6. Private profile photos. Admit it, asshole, you're married. You shouldn't be lurking around dating sites.
7. The obviously fake profile photo that was taken from a professional advertisement. 
8. Sunglasses.  Eyes are windows to the soul. You're hiding something.
9. Laying on the sofa. If you're too lazy to sit up for a profile photo, I can imagine what it would be like to get you to cut the grass. No thanks. 
10. Sideways shots. If you can't bother rotating your photo, I can't be bothered with turning my head to the side. 

Now excuse me while I go back to profile viewing. 

5 comments:

  1. Hahaha!!! Hilarious post. And I note that, ironically, you have 69 followers. lol

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