Sunday, January 29, 2012

Learning Another Language - Sarcasm

Even though the boys' father was from the Dominican Republic, they have learned very little Spanish. That's because my sister took care of them 99.99999% of the time until she died and she didn't speak Spanish. One night as I was tucking the little one in bed he asked me what is a coño?

"Where on earth did you hear that word?" I asked.   

"My dad called us coños," replied the little one. 

Nice. It means "pussy" but I didn't tell him that. I just said it's not a nice word and we are not going to use it. Hopefully, he'll forget that word soon.  But I am not perfect.  I've been known to let loose a few bombs on occasion. It's not part of my everyday vocabulary, but I remember my older boys running for the hills when mom was mad. And they knew when it was time to scatter by the amount of sh's and f's peppering my tirade. 

I've been known to speak Sarcasm too.  That's why I should never be allowed to teach a kindergarten class. They just won't get it.  Today the boys were fighting over which stool to sit at the kitchen counter. After listening to about 5 minutes of bickering (damn, I have patience!), I finally snapped, "Why don't you two fight about something dumb instead?"

It shut them up for about 5 seconds while giving me the deer in the headlights look. To which the little one said seriously, "We are fighting about something dumb."

Ya think? 

I got a laugh out of the older boy. 

So later I was cleaning out my desk when I ran across some handwritten quotes that I used to have on my desk back in the day I worked in a computer/network department.  Here's a bunch of my favorites:

  • Well, this day was a total waste of makeup. 
  • Does your train of thought have a caboose?
  • Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
  • And your crybaby whiny-ass opinion would be...?
  • A PBS mind in an MTV world.
  • Okay, okay, I take it back. Unfuck you!
  • Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
  • I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
  • How do I set a laser printer to stun?
  • What am I? Flypaper for freaks?
  • Ahh, I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again. 
  • Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
  • How about never? Is never good for you?
  • I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
  • I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
  • It might look like I am doing nothing, but at the cellular level I am really quite busy.
  • Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental. 
I probably won't be using most of these on the nephews, but I can't promise on one of those frustrating days that one or two might not slip. 


  1. Wow! I love all of them.

  2. I teach 5th grade and have to be careful with my sarcasm. I love your quotes, I may have to borrow a few of them.

  3. by the way cono mean dam it! i use that word a lot. It is a Dominican word. but if you go to google it will translate to pussy but is not even close to that.

  4. I've heard Central Americans use it as pussy so I didn't google it. But I have a hard time believing their dad was calling the boys "dam it" because he was using the word as a noun.